Irritated and Inspired.

Pissed off and unable to sleep, I lay in my bed, staring at the very tip of my sheer canopy. There were too many thoughts running in my mind, too many things entering and leaving my brain at the same time - and I was just about ready to scream. "Don't you just wish you could make other people feel the way you want them to feel?," I muttered softly to myself, running my fingers through the gossamer fabric of my canopy. But as soon as I said that, I immediately realized that if everything worked out that way, then love wouldn't be as special as we make it out to be. In fact, if things really happened that way - where people can force each other how to feel, how to act, and what to do, then love wouldn't exist. The magic of love lies in the fact that it is the result of a conscious decision, not a mere by-product of emotion. That's why to love and be loved are two of the most amazing things in the world - because both involve a willful desire to commit to the responsibility of caring for someone in an indescribable level. 

I'm currently inspired but still incredibly upset. In fact, I am so upset that I can feel my chest throbbing, on top of which, I am wide awake at 130am, which is making me even more upset. At this point, the only thing I can do is crawl back to bed and wait until I somehow magically fall asleep. I'm hoping it happens soon, because being irritated and inspired at the same time is tremendously exhausting.  

Fully Annoyed.

I am super full it is so not funny. I definitely went all out at The Melting Pot today for my sissy Jackie's birthday. It was a fondue extravaganza, especially the dessert! It was beyond amazing. I highly recommend that place for the dessert alone. However, come prepared with your wallet. It's definitely not cheap. 

On another note, I've been doing some thinking and I think it's time for a more drastic change. My most recent one was my haircut, so now I don't know what form that change will come in. Maybe I could move soon or something - but that takes a lot of preparation, and I have only been home for about two weeks, so it would just be insane to up and leave already. Too soon, too soon. I was thinking maybe I could try a new sport or take up something new, but I seriously have no idea how to go about it without spending too much. All I know is that I'm ready for something new to happen but I just don't know what that is. Peculiar, right?

Aside from my intensified cravings for change, I've also been pretty annoyed lately. I mean, generally I like to think that I'm a pretty happy person but I swear to Bob and his family, some of this week's events really got on my nerves. I won't go into any specifics - let's just say that it is incredibly exasperating how some people just don't understand the meaning of consideration. I was super nice enough to be willing to give up certain things just to make something work, but apparently, that doesn't seem like an appealing enough idea. I've said my peace, done my part and have tried to reach out. Sorry I'm not willing to bend over backwards. I'm not a contortionist. It's all so simple, if you want to make it work, it can. Take it or leave it.

Now I'm pissed and full - not a very fantastic combination. Maybe I can start going to a shooting range, that could just be the change I'm looking for.

Fairy tales and Friendships.

Doing the right thing is not only the hardest thing to do, but is, more importantly, the most annoying thing to do. It's annoying because you don't want to do it, but you know you have to. Despite the fact that it is rewarding and very liberating, we often tend to think about the downsides to doing the right thing - how it's going to affect us, how it's going to force us to change the way we think or feel, and how it's going to essentially suck. We feel this way because we relate doing good with losing, which of course, sounds silly, but is actually true. Of course at first, we don't realize that in doing the wrong thing we'd actually be losing more. If we were to ignore these conscientious thoughts and do whatever it is we'd rather do, it wouldn't be good for us in the long run. It's like eating cupcakes instead of skipping it. The cupcakes are good and definitely irresistible, but it wouldn't really contribute to our well-being because it'll turn into a bad habit, which would then turn into fat. You get the picture. Doing the right thing is tough, but no one ever said it was easy.

On another note, I recently saw When Harry Met Sally which is one of my favorite romantic films of all time. That movie always gets me thinking about men and women and the possibility or the impossibility of fostering a platonic friendship. Harry says it's not possible because attraction gets in the way. I think it's true. I asked my little brother what he thought and he said, "Yeah men and women can be friends...if the guy is gay." Great answer - which was just what I needed. The film poses that question, "Can men and women really be friends?" but the answer lies within the film itself! If you haven't seen it, I suggest you do so you can conjure up an opinion of your own. All I can say is, we all know what a real friendship looks like. And it definitely does not involve attraction of any kind.

In retrospect, I have come to the realization that I want something more out of life --- in terms of dreams, goals, plans, and relationships. If I'm going to dare to dream big then I might as well go all out. I'm not going to settle for anything less than the best. After all, as Sally said in the film, "I am not a consolation prize." I know what I want, and recognize what I deserve...and "I want the fairy tale." (Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman)

And a fairy tale I shall get.

Candid.

I want to fall in love the old-fashioned way. I want to experience love the way Nat King Cole described it in the song, That's All. I'd like a walk in the park, a stroll on the beach, or better yet, a meeting at the top of the Empire State building. I want to experience time standing still - a moment where I can feel nervous and delighted at the same time. I want my stomach filled with butterflies that I can't eat, sleep or even think. I want spontaneous slow dances, comfortable conversations, and enchanting embraces. I want to hold hands and kiss in the rain. I want the seemingly impossible kind of love - the kind that only exists in celluloid. 

In other words, I want to fall in love in a movie. 

*Just watched: An Affair To Remember, Leo McCarey, 1957

*Listening to: Stardust, Nat King Cole

Sadness.

Once I hear his threatening coughs, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. It's one of those days.

The Beatles' number 1 album is blasting aggravatingly in the tiny living room; his legs, sprawled out on the couch; his mouth wide open; his face, revealing a hint of red in his eyes. He clears his throat annoyingly every two or three minutes, accompanying it with a loud belch or a mutter of a curse word. It smells like human flesh soaked in alcohol. He looks pathetic, helpless, and stupid - but you feel more pity for him than disdain. You wonder how a grown man in his early 50s can act worse than a rebellious teenager. He is the epitome of failure, a stagnant person who seemed to have given up on life and on himself. 

There have been countless times in my life when I imagined a world without him. As a young child, I remember envisioning his absence; surprised that I felt a deep sense of comfort every time I erased him from my memory. I wondered how different my life would’ve turned out if he hadn’t been around, if, for some reason, I had been born without ever knowing him. I felt guilty, feeling the way I felt – I didn’t know whether his actions could validate my stance. I was conflicted. Many people have said that trials, tribulations, and bad experiences are integral in shaping a person’s character. I just didn’t understand why my trial, my tribulation and my bad experience had to come in the form of my father. I was heartbroken.

I close my eyes, and wait for the tears to fall.

Real Love.

Real love is beautiful. It is not solely based on feelings of giddiness and overwhelming joy, but is founded upon a mutual decision of commitment. Each person willingly contributes a part of him or herself, expecting nothing in return. Real love is not playing the "upper hand game", nor is a comparison of efforts - it is, rather simply, the product of two playing together in the same game: the game of life. It is secure, it doesn't falter. Real love provides no hesitations and inspires you to take risks. It is open to possibilities, welcoming to change, and is stable under any circumstance. However, it is not perfect - in fact, it makes many mistakes; sometimes over, and over, and over again. But the thing about real love is that it thrives on its faults and utilizes them to its advantage. Mistakes are accepted but not dwelled upon; they are learned from and then forgotten. Real love is not having to feel obligated to do anything: it is liberating, not limiting. Real love means making room for dreams, and the pursuit of these. It inspires and motivates. It pushes and encourages, but it never uses force. Real love is gentle and tough at the same time. It is honest, open, requited. It is active and amenable. Real love can be seen, felt, and heard. Real love can be real, when two people decide to make it. It never questions, but rather, always accepts. The beauty of real love is that it can exist even in the ugliest places; it is, above all, visible magic, tangible truth, and a discernible dream. 

I can only wish that everyone find real love in their lifetimes. <3

Pep Talk to Self.

I know it's still September, but three months from now, the year 2008 will be in the past. 

People say it all the time, but it really is funny how time flies. I still feel like we just rung in 2008, but now, summer's over and fall is about to start - and my life is definitely much different now than ever before. Aside from turning a year older last August, I finally finished my undergraduate studies, got my degree, and am now living back home with Mom and Dad. I guess I could say that some of my dreams came true - I finished school in time, with good grades and even better memories; and I came back home with a different perspective on life and my future. I learned how to communicate in a new language, am well-versed in film theory, and found out a lot of things about myself that I never knew before. I not only developed a better sense of self but also better study habits, something that I definitely did not expect to gain this past year. 

Thanks to my fulfilling undergraduate experience, I feel much better now about staring life's challenges in the face. I learned that I can do anything if I really put my heart and mind to it - because I actually put that mantra to the test. Trying my best in school, in relationships, and in improving myself as an individual really do pay off in the end. I have never felt more motivated and inspired in my life. Despite being currently unemployed, broke, and at times, morbidly bored at home, I somehow feel a little tingle inside me - a sign that I look forward to a better, seemingly brighter future. At this point in my life, I can't be anything but thankful, for everything that's gone my way thus far. The positives are definitely outweighing the negatives. I'm pursuing what I love - something that, in the long run, will have the biggest pay off for me, which is why I don't mind sacrificing for now and just trying to do whatever I can to get by. My eyes are so set on my goals for 2009 - and some may think I'm crazy, but I believe anything is possible. I will live in France. I will go to grad school. I will write a screenplay that will be made into a film, be able to attend the Oscars, and be able to look back at this moment in time when all I had were eyes full of hope. I know I'm insane, but if I wasn't, I don't think I'd be as motivated as I am now. 

I spend more than half my days dreaming, and I could care less if people say there's something wrong with keeping my head in the clouds. With all the ugliness that surrounds the world we live in, the only way I know I can survive and keep smiling is if I kept my head held high. I will hold on to every ounce of hope and faith - because right now, that's about the only thing I can control. I can't force things to fall into place for me, but what I can do is believe that it is possible. Call me crazy - but I'm just a girl with big dreams. Enormous, unhinged dreams.

 

Unpleasant blurbs.

Today I woke up knowing I had no plans. Loneliness sunk in. It was my first official day as an unemployed, college graduate with nothing in her possession but dreams. I felt like crying.

I started to question the possibilities of my dreams, which was definitely not helping the situation. Then I began to dwell on the what ifs, and I felt even worse. I am certainly not having the best day of my life. I wish I could just do the things I planned on doing already - but sadly, those things take time. And right now is not the time to do them. I have to wait...but waiting makes me anxious, doubtful, and impatient. I hate waiting. This entry isn't even coherent anymore. I'm just blabbing.

Maybe I'll go read some french fables, to keep my mind off things. 

Hypothetical love.

It's funny how attraction works in strange and bizarre ways. Ideally, the person you are attracted to should be everything you want them to be and more. Yet, most of the time, they are the complete opposite - they hate everything you love and you love everything they hate (well, at least almost everything). There is no explanation for this - somehow there is something in that person you still find endearing, despite the fact that your moral compasses diverge. Of course the best thing to do when this happens is to avoid the situation completely - I mean, what's the use of pushing a square peg into a round hole, right? But the attraction is strong (you wish it was fleeting), and your heart starts tugging wildly at your brain, begging it to reconsider the option. Your brain rolls its eyes and heaves a heavy sigh, obliging to the heart. The next thing you know, you're in for the ride you know was a bad idea to take, but you sit back and relax anyway, relishing it while it lasts.