Breaking Point.

It's an hour and a half past noon, and I have just woken up.

My stomach feels weird - although I have an inkling that the snickers bar and the two twixes I engulfed this morning could have something to do with it. I temporarily forget what day it is, then I remember - oh, it's Thursday, and my mind quickly floats away into oblivion. I don't even have to remind myself what I'm doing today because it's the same as yesterday - work. Little by little, I can feel my life losing purpose. I'm bored, agitated, depressed. My husband, exasperated by my constant bouts of pessimism, can offer me no consolation. It is impossible to comfort me - unless you are a new, more fulfilling job or an acceptance letter to graduate school. I close my eyes, try to go back to sleep, and fail miserably.

In many ways, I am blessed. It is a proven fact that I somehow refuse to believe. These days I can only see walls, hurdles and impossibilities - and for some reason, I cannot comprehend the idea that there are good things beyond those barriers. I've become a sourpuss, so I live everyday hoping it's not my last and impatiently wait for change to happen. It's all so... pathetic.

I live in a room where the sun barely shines, and work at a job that takes up all my time.

I'll stop here before I end up writing a song. Damn. Even my writing is starting to crumble. 

If My Life Were Different...

The last post I wrote dates back to a little less than three months ago, which embarrassingly reveals that life got in the way of my writing.  I guess in a way, it has. Over the past couple months, I became insanely busy with my job (who knew waitressing could take a toll on your life?), got married, and gave birth to twins. Just kidding. Although the first two are correct, there is no way I'm becoming a mom anytime soon. I'm way too much of a baby to have one of my own - or at least my husband thinks so. He says he can't handle more than one kid at a time. I totally concur.

One could definitely say that my life has turned a complete 360 since the day I graduated from college. During one of my blessed days off, I laid in bed, stared at my beautiful diploma hanging on the wall and immediately began to cry. I felt like I was going insane, crying on my day off like a little baby. But I knew deep down inside that my tears were well justified - I was weeping because I felt extremely empty. In today's economy, everyone knows that any job (regardless of whether you hate it or not) IS a dream job. Yet somehow, my feelings of emptiness and disdain were eating me up inside. I've never felt so unhappy in my entire life. A year ago I was a straight-A student with the brightest future - and that day I felt like a grumpy waitress with deflated dreams. Facebook definitely adds insult to injury, because somehow, you see that everyone else around you is doing so well you actually consider fastening a noose for yourself. "Shirley got into Yale, Pete's in Paris, Jonathan just climbed the peak of mount everest," - Oh god what a great way to encourage suicide! I sobbed even harder when I imagined what my REAL status would actually say; "Bianca spends her days carrying food trays."  What a life I lead.

If only someone told me that life is harder in the real world (actually many people have told me this, I was just being foolishly optimistic). I used to gaze at the sky during my breaks from class, imagining my future life in LA, writing funny, witty content for a popular TV series. Who knew I'd be far from it? Who knew I'd be married at 23, working full time at a restaurant that gets trashed on YELP by some ruthless hater who probably has never been there? Who knew? I guess I was the only one who didn't know. We never really know how our life is going to turn out until we live it. And though I've described mine in the most depressing manner possible - I can somehow say that I'm thankful. I may be unhappy with my job but it pays for my student loan, and I do come home to the best guy in the world, so I guess it's not all bad.

It'd be better if I was in LA though.