Anticipating 2009!

Even though the end of the year is fast approaching, new things still managed to pop into my life and surprise me. It really is funny how things work out the way they do - you never can tell what's coming and what's going, so it's important to keep an open mind all throughout. I am just so incredibly thankful for all the blessings I've gotten this past year that I seriously am so ready for whatever 2009 is going to bring my way (whether it be good or bad). I've learned so much about myself recently that my upcoming resolutions would basically just be a continuation of whatever I'm trying to change about myself already - like becoming more patient, trying to stay positive no matter what, and just choosing to be happy in general. I know we hear and say it all the time, but life really is too short to be wasted on negativity. It is so much more rewarding to try and create beautiful memories every single moment you can - that way you can look back at your life with joy and gratitude. 

On another note, I've recently become employed as a server and I have to say, the job itself is incredibly exhausting! However, I couldn't be happier working where I do, because our restaurant is amazing and my coworkers make every minute of my shift worthwhile. We all have the best time at work that it feels like we have a party of our own behind the scenes! I am so grateful for this job that I wouldn't trade it for the world. With today's shitty economy, I consider myself lucky to even have found something, so I'm more than ecstatic with what I have. 

Meanwhile, things are going really well with Ben, and now I really understand what real love is because he always shows me. I'm really fortunate to have met him, and it's so gross sometimes cuz I can't believe how in love I am! hahaha. (see what I mean? I just typed in a laugh, which means I'm pretty embarrassed at how smitten I am. So pathetic. Pardon me!) But seriously, because of him, I'm more appreciative of the little things and of life itself - and he makes me want to be better inside and out. I can only hope that everyone finds their own Ben. It is very therapeutic. =]

Three more days and it's a whole 'nother year... I seriously can't wait!♥

It's A Fight For Love.

I'm slowly learning that loving somebody is not the easiest thing to do.

It doesn't matter how giddy you are, or how ecstatic that person makes you. It doesn't matter how often they take you out, or how amazing their gifts are - heck, it doesn't even matter what they say because at the end of the day, if you have even just a tinge of doubt in your mind about whether this person is really sincere or not, you can't possibly claim that you love them. We often say (so mindlessly) that trust is the foundation of every strong relationship, but we don't really see just how true this is until we're put in a situation where that trust is risked. I say this because I've experienced it. I guess you could say I became complacent - overconfident, even; but I think spoiled would be a better word to describe me. I became so spoiled that I never thought I'd ever have a reason to question my relationship. 

Contrary to what I thought, I am not exempt from feeling paranoid and doubtful - but that's because I never had a reason to feel that way. From the beginning, I've always felt so lucky to have been blessed with the kind of partnership that was so strong, certain, and secure. At the time it seemed like there was no stopping us; there was nothing in this world that could possibly change anything. It was amazing. But it was foolish of me to ignore the possibility that this might be threatened someday; I mean, after all, this is not a perfect world, and we were bound to come across something unpleasant. It's one thing to understand that relationships aren't meant to be easy; it's another to decide whether or not you'd like to work through the rough patches together.

After a few moments to myself and an emergency phone call to my mom (who was intensely congested when she gave me advice), I realized that the choice was mine to make. I could, 1). walk away and escape the potential heartache, or 2). fight for it, move on and start anew. The difference between the two lies heavily on whether or not I love that person enough. And apparently, I do...because I chose number 2. Like my mom said, there are some things in this world that really are worth fighting for. 

Here's to hoping I don't lose in the end.

 

Happy Dappy Me.

In light of my recent "baby" nervous-breakdown, I've been trying really hard to stay as happy and as positive as I can be. I managed to capture a cold and a nasty cough over the past week (which was probably due to stress) and I was starting to get really tired of being sad and depressed all the time. It takes so much effort to stay down in the dumps, not to mention moping around wasn't really getting me anywhere and I was running out of tears to cry out. Just the thought of venting to somebody about the things in my life that just won't pan out makes me want to gag myself with a spork, so I'm really enjoying the fact that finally, for the first time in about three months, I can honestly say that I'm happy and emotionally healthy.

I'm planning to stay this way for as long as I can, so I've been training myself to look past the problems I have no control over and to just enjoy the things that I have in my life right now. I'm also making a conscious effort in abolishing my long-time habit of complaining - and so far, I'm making progress (or so, I think). I realized that if I complain less, I'll probably be less unhappy - which would then make me more happy. After re-learning the lesson that happiness is a choice and not a feeling, I've been keeping tabs on myself in terms of choosing the right mindset and attitude. I've been so focused on trying to find solutions to problems I really have no solutions to that I was starting to wallow in my misery. But now that I've knocked some sense into my head, I realized that the only thing I can control is myself - so I'm choosing to smile even when life hands me a pile of manure.

With my attempts at revitalizing my life with oodles of positive energy, I'm also starting to realize that I need to be careful with the people I spend my time with. I can't be around folks who mope around all the time, or are negative, or worse, are not supportive of my goals and dreams. Very often I find myself listening to a bunch of dopes telling me I can't do certain things because of so and so reasons, but now I'm done with it. I don't need negative, debbie downers in my life. If you're here to give me a list of reasons why I simply CAN'T, then do me a favor and get away from me. Please. Go and rain on someone else's parade. 

I guess you can say I'm starting to love myself again. I can't rely on other people to do that for me, and I know that I'm a much better person when I'm confident and secure in myself. Besides, happy people are more attractive in every sense of the word. So come and be happy with me!♥

Call me crazy.

It's a foolish thing to say, but for the record, I'd like to make it known that I'm willing to risk it all.

Here's to hoping for the best.♥

Nikki Flores, I Wanna Know You Like That

Dreaming With A Broken Heart.

Somehow, I always find myself in situations where I can potentially lose - myself, my mind, my heart, everything. It sounds cynical, but sometimes I do believe that I maybe one of those people who are simply never meant to be happy. I know that in life, everything has to do with perspective. The way you see yourself, the way you see things, the way you look at situations - all these factors affect how your life will turn out to be; but for some reason, I feel like no amount of perspective can possibly change the outcome of my life. It's like no matter how optimistic I am, or how hopeful I attempt to be; my life will still turn out to be shittier than ever. Yes, I sound like an ungrateful shmuck, and I know that I should be more appreciative of the fact that I'm alive and physically well; but the truth is, it feels like I'm slowly rotting from the inside, and my heart is withering like a neglected fern. 

I'm hoping against hope that someone will water me.