Salt on a Slug.

When things aren't going great and it feels like there are more obstacles than possibilities, it's easy to say that God isn't there. I remember feeling abandoned and victimized during one of my lowest points, and I actually taunted the big guy up there and asked Him if He was somehow enjoying watching me suffer. I felt like a helpless, chubby little slug getting sprinkled sadistically with salt, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such a slow and torturous suffering.

The truth was... while all this was happening, He wasn't watching. 

He was actually there, suffering with me.

I forget all the blessings so easily,  because I latch on to the painful times more often. I can remember the bad times in vivid detail, while my blessings remain buried in my memory. I often ask the question "why?" and demand an answer, when all I should really be saying is "Thank you." I finally get it. God was there through everything: when things were happening, and when they were not. He was there, not only to see me through - but to give me my heart's desire. I look around my room, see my college diploma hanging on the wall, and my wedding ring resting on the table, and immediately I remember; I had once asked Him if I was ever going to graduate and if He had somebody in store for me. The answers to these questions were right in front of me.

The crazy part about it all is that no matter how much He has already blessed me with, it doesn't stop there. He keeps blessing me - and the more that I let go of my painful past, the more room I have to remember the present and imagine my future. I see all the good in my life and understand now that whatever "sufferings" I complain about fade in comparison to the sufferings that Jesus endured. I have too much to be grateful for, and I should attempt to spend every single day of my life thanking God for all of it.♥

Perfect Love.

It was something like 3 in the morning, and I was fuming. I was rolling around in the carpet, whining and grunting like a little brat, attempting to interrupt my husband's barrage of snores. 

"Why are you on the floor?", he finally asks groggily.

My mind starts to race. I can't believe he's asking me why I'm on the floor! The last thing I wanted was to sleep next to this insensitive fool. I was so angry I wanted to rip out the carpet with my bare hands. 

"I hate you!", I retort back, hoping to make him feel as terrible as possible. I laid still for a second, expecting him to apologize. Instead, I hear a cacophony of sounds that get my blood pressure rising. I can't believe he's fallen back asleep!

I was livid and erratic, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to realize how wrong he was, and how sorry he should be, except I was reaching the brink of exhaustion and I was just about ready to pass out. The floor was insanely uncomfortable, and after realizing that we hadn't vacuumed in two weeks, I grudgingly climbed back into bed feeling all but defeated. I threw the blanket over me and cried myself to sleep.

This was exactly the kind of thing that kept happening in our relationship - constant fighting, and incessant tantrums thrown by yours truly. I knew that I was unhappy about a few things, but I refused to believe that I was doing something wrong.  Because of that, I blamed my husband for everything, when in reality, I was in on it too. I wasn't doing my part of the deal, and there I was, throwing tantrums, blaming all that was unpleasant on the man that wanted nothing more but to love me with all he had.

I was depressed and worried that my marriage was slowly failing, and I couldn't believe it. Just a few months back, I was elated. I felt triumphant, knowing I had married the man of my dreams. And then there I was, feeling anything but, AND looking defeated. I still believed that he was the man of my dreams, except our marriage was a nightmare. However, I refused to take the easy way out and give up, because I knew deep down inside that he and I have something way too special to throw out the window.

I started with changing my perspective. Nobody's perfect, and chances are, we are going to end up disappointing each other at one time or another. I need to get off my high horse and just realize that loving him means loving ALL of him, faults and foibles and all. Who am I to expect so much from him when he is so accepting of me? I realized that if I really wanted to make things work, I have to be conscious about the level of reciprocity I give him and our relationship. We are both imperfect, but our differences don't always have to work against us.

I then decided that I needed to quit this bratty business. There was no excuse for me demanding things all the time, and I don't even know why I became such a big brat when it has done nothing for our relationship but dampen it. It was a terrible habit that desperately needed to be discarded, so I did just that. Every time I feel myself starting to get even just a little bratty, I bite my tongue and think of happy thoughts.

Lastly, I started focusing more on the love we shared. I realized how passionate we were, not only about each other, but about our dreams and our plans for the future. I began to see that our love was so visible and tangible, and that it was exactly the kind of love I had always dreamed about having. The more time I spent focusing on our love, the less time I had to spend noticing the little things that could possibly annoy me. And though it is true that my marriage isn't perfect, I can honestly say that our love is - and I couldn't be more thankful.♥