It was something like 3 in the morning, and I was fuming. I was rolling around in the carpet, whining and grunting like a little brat, attempting to interrupt my husband's barrage of snores.
"Why are you on the floor?", he finally asks groggily.
My mind starts to race. I can't believe he's asking me why I'm on the floor! The last thing I wanted was to sleep next to this insensitive fool. I was so angry I wanted to rip out the carpet with my bare hands.
"I hate you!", I retort back, hoping to make him feel as terrible as possible. I laid still for a second, expecting him to apologize. Instead, I hear a cacophony of sounds that get my blood pressure rising. I can't believe he's fallen back asleep!
I was livid and erratic, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to realize how wrong he was, and how sorry he should be, except I was reaching the brink of exhaustion and I was just about ready to pass out. The floor was insanely uncomfortable, and after realizing that we hadn't vacuumed in two weeks, I grudgingly climbed back into bed feeling all but defeated. I threw the blanket over me and cried myself to sleep.
This was exactly the kind of thing that kept happening in our relationship - constant fighting, and incessant tantrums thrown by yours truly. I knew that I was unhappy about a few things, but I refused to believe that I was doing something wrong. Because of that, I blamed my husband for everything, when in reality, I was in on it too. I wasn't doing my part of the deal, and there I was, throwing tantrums, blaming all that was unpleasant on the man that wanted nothing more but to love me with all he had.
I was depressed and worried that my marriage was slowly failing, and I couldn't believe it. Just a few months back, I was elated. I felt triumphant, knowing I had married the man of my dreams. And then there I was, feeling anything but, AND looking defeated. I still believed that he was the man of my dreams, except our marriage was a nightmare. However, I refused to take the easy way out and give up, because I knew deep down inside that he and I have something way too special to throw out the window.
I started with changing my perspective. Nobody's perfect, and chances are, we are going to end up disappointing each other at one time or another. I need to get off my high horse and just realize that loving him means loving ALL of him, faults and foibles and all. Who am I to expect so much from him when he is so accepting of me? I realized that if I really wanted to make things work, I have to be conscious about the level of reciprocity I give him and our relationship. We are both imperfect, but our differences don't always have to work against us.
I then decided that I needed to quit this bratty business. There was no excuse for me demanding things all the time, and I don't even know why I became such a big brat when it has done nothing for our relationship but dampen it. It was a terrible habit that desperately needed to be discarded, so I did just that. Every time I feel myself starting to get even just a little bratty, I bite my tongue and think of happy thoughts.
Lastly, I started focusing more on the love we shared. I realized how passionate we were, not only about each other, but about our dreams and our plans for the future. I began to see that our love was so visible and tangible, and that it was exactly the kind of love I had always dreamed about having. The more time I spent focusing on our love, the less time I had to spend noticing the little things that could possibly annoy me. And though it is true that my marriage isn't perfect, I can honestly say that our love is - and I couldn't be more thankful.♥
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