Changing the way I LIVE.

The craziest part about life is perhaps its tendency to be unpredictable. I'm still trying to grapple with the idea of constant change - but the more that I try to keep up, the more that I feel lost. I don't think there is any way I can ever be a step ahead of life, maybe because as humans, we simply can't. These past couple weeks I've dealt with grief, exuberance, confusion - all at the same time. I've been dreaming of bizarre situations that involve stray bullets and death, and I have no idea what to make of it. Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night crying, and my poor husband has no choice but to pull himself together at 2am and hold me half asleep. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I realize that if I want to rid myself of these negative thoughts, I really have to admit one thing: that I'm terrified of death.

We hear it all the time, people yapping about how life is short, vulnerable, and blah, blah, blah. But when emotion takes me over and I'm pissed about the weather, or my hair, I temporarily forget what life is really about. I'm sure I am not the only one who feels this way - many of us tend to spend our days thinking about everything else BUT the fragility of life, and we start acting like spoiled brats. I can only imagine what God thinks of this, and it makes me feel a little bit ashamed that I spend a huge part of my day complaining about trivial things when the big picture hangs beautifully behind me, waiting for my appreciation. There are many things in this world that make me sad, but nothing can make me as inconsolable as the idea of losing the people I love.

So I've made a pact with myself: I want to BE MORE. Be more loving, be more patient, be more caring, be more understanding. And for a certified biatch that's a pretty big deal, so I'm proud of myself. I want to BE MORE so I can DO MORE. At least if I'm busy loving, caring and being more patient, I won't have to deal with being terrified.♥