The Grown Up Kind.

It's pretty bizarre that I don't get butterflies when I think about him. When he calls, my stomach doesn't do that little topsy-turvy thing it usually does when the person I like gives me a ring. My heart doesn't drop, nor flutter, at the sound of his voice. It is almost as if he has no kind of effect on me, whatsoever - and I wonder if feeling that way, feeling nothing, feeling normal, is supposed to be some sort of sign. Is this relationship off to a bad start? Are we doomed to fail? Honestly, I have no freakin' idea. One thing I do know for sure is that I'm scared shitless. I don't know why I'm not as excited as I ought to be. And the funniest thing about all this is that he feels the EXACT same way. 

I've been so used to getting my tummy stuffed with butterflies that the absence of infatuation alarms me. People are usually initially infatuated at the beginning of a relationship, but it appears to me that we somehow either haven't gotten to that point yet or just entirely skipped that part. After all, we've only known each other, what, like a month or something, so maybe it's too early for all that to come to the surface. Yet I still can't help but wonder why this relationship is so different from all the others. It's oddly frustrating too - trying to figure out why assholes like David can rev up my heart rate like a bad-ass cardio session while great guys like my Ben keep my heart rate normal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Ben, I really do. It's just surprising that my head's on right this time around. I feel normal when I'm with him... not too giddy nor overly excited by the fact that we're together. When I look into his eyes, I don't see stars, just perfectly healthy pupils. However, we do kiss passionately, embrace whenever and wherever, and hold hands tightly. I just don't understand why I don't feel overwhelmed with emotion. 

I guess this is actually a good thing. Just because something is different doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, right? I think it's cool that I don't feel like I'm losing my mind when I'm not with him. When we're not together, he does his thing and I do mine (even if these days, it's pretty much a bunch of nothing). And when we are around each other, we have fun together. We laugh, we joke around, and most of all - we talk. We talk about anything and everything, and even though we spend almost everyday together, it feels like there's still so much to learn and way more things to discover. We're becoming great friends while fostering a healthy relationship. Now that I think about it, I realize that I've just been so used to being infatuated all the time that I started to use it as a measuring device of some sort. But the thing is, infatuation is not enough to keep a relationship going. The giddiness, the butterflies, the heart-flutters --- all those things fade in time. I'd rather have what he and I have at this point - a mutual decision of commitment. 

I think I'm finally experiencing the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of.♥