The Realest of Love.

"How many times have you fallen in love?", I asked, hoping to hear the word 'once'.

"Twice", he said.  Twice, I thought, my heart, sinking a little as I looked into his eyes and attempted to induce a change in response.  For a quick second there I felt a slight sense of disappointment, finding out that he had fallen in love prior to meeting me. Then he said something that changed my world forever -

"But ours is different. I feel like this - this, is real love."

Real love - the concept still clamoring in my head. I had never experienced it before either, and he pulled it right out of my mouth. That's what made our love so different, so unique; the fact that it was real. We spend hours upon hours a week talking about ourselves to each other, discovering hidden truths, untold secrets and enchanting kiddy stories from our pasts. We discuss our futures endlessly, planning our lives ahead like strategic analysts, hiding our fears of financial failure behind optimistic eyes. We argue too - and oh hell, do we argue; about the silliest things that don't even deserve arguing, like why he doesn't keep his car warm when I'm in it or why I don't ever put my shoes away properly. But underneath it all, underneath his snarkiness and my brattiness, the realness of our love surfaces the way oil does with water - you can see it and feel it. Somehow, the term "madly in love" just doesn't cut it...because I feel like there's more to it than that.

I love him in a way I myself can't even explain. He loves me the way I've always dreamt somebody would - and I couldn't be luckier. I come home to the greatest man I've ever known after a shitty day at work, and when I crawl into bed and rest my head on his shoulders, my fears, my worries, and all the pain I've ever felt just goes away and I feel free. 

FREE.

The realest of love has set me free.

Expensive Happiness.

I wonder if happiness comes at a price.

I say this because I feel guilty for being happy, excited and optimistic. I feel guilty because the ones closest to me don't really feel the same way about their lives - and when I think about the good things that are happening to me, I am interrupted by sudden thoughts of their current dispositions, and I feel worse knowing there is nothing I can do to help. I don't want to be selfish and ignore them; and even though it is probably easiest to do that, I find myself constantly looking back - and I'm afraid that if I keep going like this, I'll end up neglecting myself and the dreams I've long been nurturing.

My happiness does come at a price...and I'm slowly realizing that I may not be able to afford it.

Who Knew?

It was Fall 2008, and I remember being so devastated that things weren't turning out the way I wanted them to. The guy I was so hung up on wasn't quite hung up on me, and I was growing increasingly agitated feeling so rejected, dejected and ultimately UNWANTED. I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, and that somehow, some folks up in the heavens were having too much fun watching me force myself into a situation that was so obviously not meant for me. I never actually thought I'd be saying this, but I'm really glad that those folks found amusement in my desolate situation, and yes, I'm thankful for the conspiracy as well, because now, things are just as they should be - and for good reason! We are now happily in love with other people, and if we decided to force a relationship out of each other that time, we might have missed the chance to meet the people we were actually meant to be with.

So I'm really glad David and I didn't work out, and I'm sure he is too. Who knew our parting would turn out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to both of us?♥ 

Where Can I Buy Some Wit?

I just realized that my writing has been nothing but terrible and incredibly self-absorbed.

How depressing.

Somehow I always find myself wanting to drop my head in shame after reading other writers' rants. They all seem so much more interesting, so much wittier and so much snarkier than me. Then I read the Juno screenplay again yesterday and felt even more of a loser (I was in the process of writing a new draft of my own) - I don't know how I could channel some Diablo Cody energy and be as smart and sassy a writer as she. For a moment there, I felt like a deadbeat wannabe scribe. 

They say many writers feel this way; miserable and forever discontent about their own craft. Nothing is ever good enough. Someone else is always better, and someone's work will always be superior to one's own. But I guess that's how life is, you look out and often find something better and more enticing, when in reality someone else from the outside is probably looking at you. So we're all just in this endless cycle of looking outward back and forth, staring at each other, deciding that the other's fate is better than ours. Humans are such complicated beings.

I think the only solution to my "writer's low self-esteem" problem is to believe that I am actually capable of being witty, snarky and clever. And if that doesn't work I'll just pretend that I AM all of those things...and MORE. And if that still doesn't work, then I'll just give up writing altogether.

or... NOT. 

Anticipating 2009!

Even though the end of the year is fast approaching, new things still managed to pop into my life and surprise me. It really is funny how things work out the way they do - you never can tell what's coming and what's going, so it's important to keep an open mind all throughout. I am just so incredibly thankful for all the blessings I've gotten this past year that I seriously am so ready for whatever 2009 is going to bring my way (whether it be good or bad). I've learned so much about myself recently that my upcoming resolutions would basically just be a continuation of whatever I'm trying to change about myself already - like becoming more patient, trying to stay positive no matter what, and just choosing to be happy in general. I know we hear and say it all the time, but life really is too short to be wasted on negativity. It is so much more rewarding to try and create beautiful memories every single moment you can - that way you can look back at your life with joy and gratitude. 

On another note, I've recently become employed as a server and I have to say, the job itself is incredibly exhausting! However, I couldn't be happier working where I do, because our restaurant is amazing and my coworkers make every minute of my shift worthwhile. We all have the best time at work that it feels like we have a party of our own behind the scenes! I am so grateful for this job that I wouldn't trade it for the world. With today's shitty economy, I consider myself lucky to even have found something, so I'm more than ecstatic with what I have. 

Meanwhile, things are going really well with Ben, and now I really understand what real love is because he always shows me. I'm really fortunate to have met him, and it's so gross sometimes cuz I can't believe how in love I am! hahaha. (see what I mean? I just typed in a laugh, which means I'm pretty embarrassed at how smitten I am. So pathetic. Pardon me!) But seriously, because of him, I'm more appreciative of the little things and of life itself - and he makes me want to be better inside and out. I can only hope that everyone finds their own Ben. It is very therapeutic. =]

Three more days and it's a whole 'nother year... I seriously can't wait!♥

It's A Fight For Love.

I'm slowly learning that loving somebody is not the easiest thing to do.

It doesn't matter how giddy you are, or how ecstatic that person makes you. It doesn't matter how often they take you out, or how amazing their gifts are - heck, it doesn't even matter what they say because at the end of the day, if you have even just a tinge of doubt in your mind about whether this person is really sincere or not, you can't possibly claim that you love them. We often say (so mindlessly) that trust is the foundation of every strong relationship, but we don't really see just how true this is until we're put in a situation where that trust is risked. I say this because I've experienced it. I guess you could say I became complacent - overconfident, even; but I think spoiled would be a better word to describe me. I became so spoiled that I never thought I'd ever have a reason to question my relationship. 

Contrary to what I thought, I am not exempt from feeling paranoid and doubtful - but that's because I never had a reason to feel that way. From the beginning, I've always felt so lucky to have been blessed with the kind of partnership that was so strong, certain, and secure. At the time it seemed like there was no stopping us; there was nothing in this world that could possibly change anything. It was amazing. But it was foolish of me to ignore the possibility that this might be threatened someday; I mean, after all, this is not a perfect world, and we were bound to come across something unpleasant. It's one thing to understand that relationships aren't meant to be easy; it's another to decide whether or not you'd like to work through the rough patches together.

After a few moments to myself and an emergency phone call to my mom (who was intensely congested when she gave me advice), I realized that the choice was mine to make. I could, 1). walk away and escape the potential heartache, or 2). fight for it, move on and start anew. The difference between the two lies heavily on whether or not I love that person enough. And apparently, I do...because I chose number 2. Like my mom said, there are some things in this world that really are worth fighting for. 

Here's to hoping I don't lose in the end.

 

Happy Dappy Me.

In light of my recent "baby" nervous-breakdown, I've been trying really hard to stay as happy and as positive as I can be. I managed to capture a cold and a nasty cough over the past week (which was probably due to stress) and I was starting to get really tired of being sad and depressed all the time. It takes so much effort to stay down in the dumps, not to mention moping around wasn't really getting me anywhere and I was running out of tears to cry out. Just the thought of venting to somebody about the things in my life that just won't pan out makes me want to gag myself with a spork, so I'm really enjoying the fact that finally, for the first time in about three months, I can honestly say that I'm happy and emotionally healthy.

I'm planning to stay this way for as long as I can, so I've been training myself to look past the problems I have no control over and to just enjoy the things that I have in my life right now. I'm also making a conscious effort in abolishing my long-time habit of complaining - and so far, I'm making progress (or so, I think). I realized that if I complain less, I'll probably be less unhappy - which would then make me more happy. After re-learning the lesson that happiness is a choice and not a feeling, I've been keeping tabs on myself in terms of choosing the right mindset and attitude. I've been so focused on trying to find solutions to problems I really have no solutions to that I was starting to wallow in my misery. But now that I've knocked some sense into my head, I realized that the only thing I can control is myself - so I'm choosing to smile even when life hands me a pile of manure.

With my attempts at revitalizing my life with oodles of positive energy, I'm also starting to realize that I need to be careful with the people I spend my time with. I can't be around folks who mope around all the time, or are negative, or worse, are not supportive of my goals and dreams. Very often I find myself listening to a bunch of dopes telling me I can't do certain things because of so and so reasons, but now I'm done with it. I don't need negative, debbie downers in my life. If you're here to give me a list of reasons why I simply CAN'T, then do me a favor and get away from me. Please. Go and rain on someone else's parade. 

I guess you can say I'm starting to love myself again. I can't rely on other people to do that for me, and I know that I'm a much better person when I'm confident and secure in myself. Besides, happy people are more attractive in every sense of the word. So come and be happy with me!♥