Thank you...

for not giving up on me yesterday, for making today worthwhile, and for getting me excited about tomorrow. 

I couldn't have asked for anything better.

He's a dreamer like me.

“If you ever wanted to ever be anything, there’ll always be somebody that’ll shoot down any dream.” -Kanye West, Bring Me Down

There's something about Kanye West that engulfs my curiosity. It could be his unparalleled creativity, daring artistic choices, and overly-assertive ways that pique my interest, but I know it goes beyond the obvious. While others see a cocky, careless, self-proclaimed divo, I see a genuine dreamer like myself - and it is perhaps that which draws me to Kanye and his music. His dreams are reflected in his albums; his very desires and innermost feelings thump through every beat, flow through every hook, swim through each melody. His songs, charged with content so utterly incomparable to the rest of what today's industry has to offer, bring together the memories of the past, the warmth of the present, and the hope of the future. Clearly, Kanye is more than a musician, and is way beyond a celebrity - to me, he is the ultimate artist: unpretentious and confidently authentic, he is constantly reinventing the wheel he made himself. With the release of his new album, 808s and Heartbreak come an array of opinions ranging from good to bad. Some may find this poignantly different record a mistake on Kanye's part; but only those like myself, who recognize his malleable craft, are the ones who will be able to truly appreciate it. 808s and Heartbreak is different because it reflects a different part of himself - perhaps the part which he discovered during the tragic death of his mother. Heartfelt and personal in a true-hip-hop kind of way, Kanye West's fourth album is proof that as a genuine dreamer, not even a broken heart can stop him from turning his every artistic ambition a reality.

Kudos to Mr. West.

Dear ____,

Your lies are terrorizing me in my dreams, turning them into nightmares. I wake up livid, and everyday you keep the truth from me, I grow increasingly resentful. I don't know if you notice the rift that is slowly forming between us - but it's there. You're stubborn, senseless and unaware. You're starting to act like someone I can barely recognize, and I'm beginning to wonder how long you're going to keep this up. 

I hope you read this and know that I'm talking about you.

The Grown Up Kind.

It's pretty bizarre that I don't get butterflies when I think about him. When he calls, my stomach doesn't do that little topsy-turvy thing it usually does when the person I like gives me a ring. My heart doesn't drop, nor flutter, at the sound of his voice. It is almost as if he has no kind of effect on me, whatsoever - and I wonder if feeling that way, feeling nothing, feeling normal, is supposed to be some sort of sign. Is this relationship off to a bad start? Are we doomed to fail? Honestly, I have no freakin' idea. One thing I do know for sure is that I'm scared shitless. I don't know why I'm not as excited as I ought to be. And the funniest thing about all this is that he feels the EXACT same way. 

I've been so used to getting my tummy stuffed with butterflies that the absence of infatuation alarms me. People are usually initially infatuated at the beginning of a relationship, but it appears to me that we somehow either haven't gotten to that point yet or just entirely skipped that part. After all, we've only known each other, what, like a month or something, so maybe it's too early for all that to come to the surface. Yet I still can't help but wonder why this relationship is so different from all the others. It's oddly frustrating too - trying to figure out why assholes like David can rev up my heart rate like a bad-ass cardio session while great guys like my Ben keep my heart rate normal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Ben, I really do. It's just surprising that my head's on right this time around. I feel normal when I'm with him... not too giddy nor overly excited by the fact that we're together. When I look into his eyes, I don't see stars, just perfectly healthy pupils. However, we do kiss passionately, embrace whenever and wherever, and hold hands tightly. I just don't understand why I don't feel overwhelmed with emotion. 

I guess this is actually a good thing. Just because something is different doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, right? I think it's cool that I don't feel like I'm losing my mind when I'm not with him. When we're not together, he does his thing and I do mine (even if these days, it's pretty much a bunch of nothing). And when we are around each other, we have fun together. We laugh, we joke around, and most of all - we talk. We talk about anything and everything, and even though we spend almost everyday together, it feels like there's still so much to learn and way more things to discover. We're becoming great friends while fostering a healthy relationship. Now that I think about it, I realize that I've just been so used to being infatuated all the time that I started to use it as a measuring device of some sort. But the thing is, infatuation is not enough to keep a relationship going. The giddiness, the butterflies, the heart-flutters --- all those things fade in time. I'd rather have what he and I have at this point - a mutual decision of commitment. 

I think I'm finally experiencing the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of.♥

Liars can kiss my touche.

Growing up, I prided myself in knowing that I had the ability to tell good lies. I was given the gift of a wild imagination, so conjuring up a story to back up whatever shenanigans I got myself into was never a problem. I just mustered up enough courage, kept my cool, put on my acting face, and went for it without batting an eyelash. I could just see it - God tallying up my fibs, shaking his head in disappointment. I was remorseless. But as with every bad deed in life, my lies eventually caught up to me. It wasn't too long until I got tired of having to cover up old lies with new ones, and my imagination was starting to lose steam. Lying had ruined me from the inside.

It took me a couple years to grow out of that habit, and now, I'm proud to say that I find it easier to tell the truth than lie. The only problem I have these days is other people lying to me. As a self-confessed pro-fibber, I have an eye for liars. I cannot only see it in their eyes, but I can sense it --- when something's fishy, it seeps through my veins. I absolutely hate being lied to (and I mean, who doesn't?) but the fact of the matter is, it's bound to happen. To me, to you, to everyone. It just sucks when the one lying to you is the one you least expect to hide things from you. 

Tip of the day: lying ruins relationships, even when you're not trying to.

Sweet November.

A new relationship, a new president, and new things to be thankful for during Thanksgiving... I can't believe it's November already!

Despite the fact that it's been cold, rainy, and wet, the days are looking to be much brighter than usual. It could, of course be due to all the "new" things happening in my life right now - none of which, unfortunately, have anything to do with a job. As frustrating as that is though, I've been trying to keep my head out of the dumps and attempting to plaster a smile on my face. (I'm still in the process of convincing myself that things will get better...somehow, sometime soon.) 

On another note, we are officially about 57 days away from the year 2009. It's pretty insane, since I felt like 2008 just started. I just turned 23 in August, and now that 09 is coming up, I'll be turning 24 (yikes!). I'm hoping I get to travel to France next year, and apply for graduate school in the Fall. I'm also hoping that the Los Feliz home I bookmarked on my browser (and the one I've been looking at for the past year and a half) will remain unsold - as highly unlikely as that is. But seriously, you never know what could happen. I'm simply keeping the possibilities open.

I'm super stoked for the future even though I know there are new challenges to face. But what's life like without barriers? I'm looking forward to growing a bit more and learning tons about myself and others. For now, I'm going to cherish this month... the sweet, amazing month of November.♥